Kindly, Kayla

I’m tired.

Tired of all the noise. 

Tired of all the validation from likes.

Tired of all of the interactions that feel like friendships that are simply just mindless likes.

I crave deep friendships. Ones where we stay up late and talk all hours of the night about fun stuff. Just laughing at nothing. I crave peace, silence in my mind, solitude, and contentment. 

I want to read books again and get lost in them. I want to discover my inner child. Where smartphones weren’t a thing yet and I had fun by pretending! Reading! Talking to friends! Coloring! Doing puzzles! Watching movies with no distractions.

I want to spend time with God. True time. Not just only giving Him the beginning and end of my days but all of it. I crave intimacy. I don’t want to be lukewarm. 

I want to enjoy the present. Not wish for more. Not regret the past. I want to be right here. I want to enjoy the moment with a friend without overthinking a photo opportunity but simply just being there. I don’t want to obsess over how I look all the time, I just want to be there. 

I want to write again. So my thoughts are in my mind, swirling around, begging to escape! But they’re suppressed because I’d rather be scrolling. I desire to write a book one day. But when will I find the time if I’m too busy being captivated by other people’s lives? 

I want to be creative. Make photo albums, scrapbooks, write in journals. I have so many ideas so many thoughts so many plans!! 

I’m gonna be a librarian you know? My love for books and reading and literacy has been ingrained in me since I was a child. I am so grateful and feel so immensely blessed to be able to impact someone else’s life and foster a love of reading in them. I want to be an example. I don’t want to be another girl, chronically online. I want to be different, set apart, holy. 

When I have kids one day, I don’t want them to feel like they have to grasp and beg and yearn for my attention. I want them to have it wholeheartedly. I don’t want them to be iPad kids. I want them to love riding bikes, going outside, reading, playing with toys, and all the other fun kid things I did device free as a child. 

Lord I don’t want to go back but it calls my name. The whole world is on it! I fear missing out. But on what exactly? Other people’s lives? The truth is I’ll be missing out on my own life if I don’t make a change. 

It’s time to let it go & be free. 

Kindly,

Kayla