Kindly, Kayla 🌼

I’ve been struggling to write lately.

I have so many blog post ideas listed in my Notes app, but lately I’ve been struggling to figure out how to flesh them out.

I’ll come up with a great title and a few points, and then my mind just goes blank.

I’m like, “God, I know You’ve called me to this blog, to be a writer. So what do You want me to write about?”

Then suddenly, I felt the urge to be real. To just write. To be honest. To share my heart.

So here it is:

Lately, I’ve been sluggish, worn out, burned out, stressed out, and every other word for tired you can think of.

My routine has been off. My sleep schedule has been off. My eating has been off. My fitness has been off.

And most importantly, my Bible reading has been off.

I used to love waking up and spending hours in the Word of God. I delighted in learning, and I also delighted in sharing what I learned.

But lately, I can barely even manage reading a one-page devotional. I pick up my Bible, and suddenly my mind feels frazzled and distracted. Then I hear my phone vibrate, so I pick it up. Before I know it, my Bible is closed, and the day has flown by.

I go to bed thinking, Tomorrow will be different.

I tell myself, Tomorrow you’ll read three chapters, write that blog post you’ve been meaning to write, and finally get back on track.

But then tomorrow comes, and it looks just like the day before.

And the day before that.

And the day before that.

That cycle eventually leads to guilt, shame, and me beating myself up.

“Why can’t I get myself together?”

As I’m typing this out, it’s like I hear God saying, “Because you’re trying to get yourself together.”

“Stop striving and trying to fix yourself. You aren’t capable of this without Me.”

Immediately, my mind goes to one of my favorite passages of Scripture: John 15.

For context, Jesus is speaking to His disciples:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. Every branch in me that does not produce fruit, he removes, and he prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me.”

John 15:1–5 (CSB)

Do you see that?

We cannot produce fruit by ourselves. Fruit only comes when we remain, or abide, in Him. Jesus quite literally said that apart from Him, we can do nothing.

That helps me understand why I kept failing to stick to my healthy habits and routines: I was trying to do it on my own.

You may be wondering, What does it actually look like to remain in Jesus and rely on Him?

For me, it looks like praying as soon as I wake up and asking Him to help me dwell in His presence. It looks like praying for the desire to read His Word. Praying for the strength to care for this body that isn’t mine, but His. Praying for the grace to be a good steward. It looks like spending time in the Word of God, so that I can be transformed. It’s putting Jesus in His rightful place in our lives. He’s not our last resort, but our Lord. This means He’s running things!!

Scripture is full of people who cried out to God for help.

David prayed in Psalm 51:12:

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.” (NLT)

And in Psalm 119:28 we read:

“I am weary from grief; strengthen me through your word.” (CSB)

Honestly, I recommend reading the whole chapter. I know it’s long, but it’s incredibly relatable and encouraging.

I also want to share a note from my She Reads Truth Bible:

Jesus is not commanding His disciples to bear fruit. The command is to remain. When we remain—when we abide in the never-ending, unconditional, forever love of Christ—then the fruit will come. But only then. We bear fruit when, and only when, we are grafted into the True Vine. His Holy Spirit in us is the fruit producer; we are simply the branches who have the privilege of displaying His fruit.

This isn’t me saying that we should give up and stop trying to grow, but that we should bring our struggles to God first. Then allow Him to transform us through His Word, which gives us the strength to do what we cannot do on our own.

Doesn’t that just make you feel at peace? Knowing that it doesn’t rely on you. It’s not in your hands. Yes, we need to remain, but He produces the fruit. We can rest in Him.

So today, I’ve decided enough is enough.

Yes, it’s been a tiring season. Between library science homework piling up, waiting on God to heal me from something I thought I would’ve been healed from two years ago, and other challenges popping up along the way, I think I’ve simply grown weary.

But there’s a promise in God’s Word that continues to strengthen me:

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

I’m holding on to that. I’m clinging to it. I’m not letting go of that hope.

I will reap, in the name of Jesus!!!

And this is my encouragement to you: don’t give up. Pray and ask God to reveal the habits that need to be broken, and rely on Him to help you break them. Keep going. Start small. Be faithful in the little things.

Instead of trying to read three chapters a day, maybe start with one.

Instead of trying to become a runner in a day, start by walking for thirty minutes a day.

Instead of becoming a fitness guru overnight, start by removing a few foods that aren’t helping you, but drain you.

There is no need to overhaul your entire life in a single day. Consistency is key!! As you build small habits over time, you’ll be able to add more to the mix once you get used to it!!

So join me on this journey of starting again.

Of remaining in Jesus and letting the fruit come by the Holy Spirit in us.

Of finding joy in this in-between season of the now and the not yet.

You are not alone. I’m walking through it too. And most importantly, God is with you, and He will strengthen you!

Let’s lean into this season instead of distracting ourselves through it. Let’s put down our phones and pick up the Word. I’m tired of wasting time as if I have an endless supply of it. Let’s enjoy the days God has given us and be good stewards!!

Thank you so much for reading.

Kindly,

Kayla ♡